Last night thoughts

3.14.13 Midnight hour

I don’t know anything. I never claimed that I knew anything. My own mind I can hardly decide what I want. I don’t know what it is I should be doing or what I ought to be doing. I need a list or I need to be told. Then I can do the best and I can work with it. I’m not nearly adult enough to make up my own mind or know what it is I should be doing, despite having twenty-three years. While my mother is in the hospital, I am home. I felt helpless. I was on the verge of breaking down again. I craved my own bed, my new room of solitude, and my pet cat. I was of no use in that hospital. I asked my mother what she thought I should do and she asks what I want to do.

What I want to do is run away.  What I ought to do is stay.

I am aware, that my mother is just as scared and feeling just as helpless but here are some facts about my mother.

Fact: She likes sleeping and doesn’t like to be interrupted.

Fact: She doesn’t want her children to see her weak or in a weak state (includes crying).

Fact: My mother wants to protect her children to the extreme and hates when they cry.

Fact: Sometimes my mother can be an idiot and her daughter has inherited the trait.

I know I was cruel in my last post about her not taking care of herself. In a way I was angry at her. It’s not entirely true. She does take care of herself to a certain degree. I want to say a few things about how she has good days and then her bad days. She will start off with a mediocre day. A day that has routine and maybe just lazing about or doing something that is small. That day is followed by a good day. On her good days she will think she can do everything she used to, so after her good day it is followed by a worse day where she can do nothing. Then the next day is just a bad day that could end up being a mediocre day. So starts the cycle.

Today was one of the worst days. When I left her at the hospital, she started to look at me and talk to me like she does on one of her bad days. It just took all day to be just bad and not terrible.

I really thought that I would get home and go straight to bed. I thought after that rollercoaster of ups and downs, I would lay my head down and sleep. Most likely that will still happen. I just couldn’t imagine lying down without typing these feelings out. I can’t say that it is healing. Until my mother is out of the hospital nothing will be healing but at least if I get it out I can sleep and forget. The last thing I need is to sleep and have nightmares. I could really use one of my vivid dreams of flying with a handsome guy, who just happens to be singing to me. I liked that one. 

I will probably post this in the morning when I have internet. But then I will have a second post for what has changed. I’ll be going back to town after I get a few hours’ sleep. Since I can’t seem to do the right thing, I’m going to grab an adult who I trust.

PS. When I get scared, I tend to be angry. Kindness makes me want to cry and I tend to bite when I don’t want to cry. So if I’m short with you when you are trying to give support, I apologize now. I can talk about it on a computer and in my own head but if I talk to a person I break. Of course, when I can’t manage to keep it together you will know. If I’m laughing and tears are falling down my face know that I’m not cracked. That just happens to be my way. At that point, step back and don’t try to hug me. Touch does not soothe me when I’m emotional (even family).