"I need a Holiday..."

"I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact, I mean not

to." Bilbo Baggins

It happens every time I want a vacation, this quote from Lord of the Rings (movie) runs through my mind. I must have this quote inscribed in stone. It's for any vacation, it's for any break, and it's for any time that I feel frustrated. It's not like everything is going wrong. In fact everything couldn't be going more right. Well, it could be a little bit better but it's not in the toilet so I'm not complaining. I've had my main job for 1 year 4 months at the hotel. My other summer job has finally ended and my deputy clerk job I've been there for a year. My mom finally has some work. I have a beautiful house that isn't falling apart (well it has a few flaws). My family isn't sick (or at least they are managing). I didn't break my neck falling down my stairs, though I have some other random pains from my spine (eventually I will go to a chiropractor). Lastly, I even have an arrangement where I will get to move somewhere for 3 months and still have my 2 jobs comfortably. 

I don't think I was meant to stay in the same spot constantly. When I was younger, I don't remember being this antsy but I think that I have been influenced by something. I have never stayed at a job for more than a year because I was moving to other places. I mean I worked at one library for 3 years during college, but every summer I went home so I don't necessarily count that. This is a novel experience to work like this and not have a set end when I'll be going to another place. This is why I'm so happy that my job is going to give me 3 months somewhere else. I'll be in my Hancock address with my dad and grams, but I'll take what I can get. I had planned to cross the pond in November and I'm sad that it won't happen. I just had way too much happen this year for me to go. I also want to go somewhere new. I've been to Europe and now I want a different experience somewhere else. I just have so many friends who want me to see them in Europe that I even feel bad that I want something else (I know I shouldn't but of course I do).

I can't make up my mind though. On one hand I want to travel, but on the other, I just need to get away from people. I need some days where I don't have to cater to others but myself. I just want to hide in my house with the music blaring, good book, phone off, and a video game (of course not at once). I call it my vegging out but it really has a different purpose. I love my friends and would love to see them but I think that if I don't get some time for myself they wouldn't want to be around me either. I feel angry and every little thing keeps me angry. One day off to veg out isn't enough. I need some consecutive days.

Bilbo Baggins, I am not. I can not take a very long holiday or even to run away. Though that doesn't stop me from  being tempted and craving an end to all the responsibilities. You give me somebody who doesn't want to ever run away at least once in their life and I'll eat raw celery (I hate that stuff). In the meantime, I'm going to settle for a four day weekend. It will just have to be good enough.

Recovery

3.15.13 Update

She is out of the procedure (apparently it wasn’t surgery though that was the impression my mom and everyone was giving me).The nurse gave me an update since I was getting some breakfast/lunch. I’m just waiting for the official thing for when the doctor finds me. Oh yay…waiting! So anyways, she had her heart looked at and they found nothing wrong. Huh? At least by what the nurse said, my mom didn’t need a stint or balloon. My mom said earlier it might have been her potassium being low. At least they were giving her some when I came in this morning and she was looking a lot better. Of course she told me that if she hadn’t gotten the oxygen I most likely would have come home to a body.

This is what happened when I found my way back in this maze of a hospital (as our friend Debbie said she would hate to work here because she would forever get lost with patients). I followed the nurse into recovery. My mom opened her eyes at the nurse. I called her name. She looked at me. I stuck my tongue out at her. She smiled and went back to sleep. She is just recovering now and then she will be moved to the room on the seventh floor in this hospital (I might have to get a guide). She shouldn’t be here for more than today. I’ll just grab those fake flowers that she seems to love, when I pick her up tomorrow.

 I knew when my work gave those flowers away (because really they are tacky and shouldn’t be in a hotel) that she would love a few. Since I would have to look at them I only grabbed her three that were semi-bearable. This just happened Sunday. Somehow this week I knew it was going to be crappy. I mean Tuesday I was already feeling depressed and thinking that Thursday I should take my co-worker on her offer and have her work for me. I figured I was being wimpy.  I find out Thursday morning my dog broke his leg and then my mom needs to be hospitalized. My co-worker ended up working for me. Should have gone with my gut and took the dang day off. At least she wouldn’t have had to rush into work.

I have also come to the conclusion that next St. Patty’s day I’m making no plans. This is the third year that my mother has been sick to the point of death, twice she was actually hospitalized. Next year, I’m not going to celebrate since I take it that is her wish… :)

Last night thoughts

3.14.13 Midnight hour

I don’t know anything. I never claimed that I knew anything. My own mind I can hardly decide what I want. I don’t know what it is I should be doing or what I ought to be doing. I need a list or I need to be told. Then I can do the best and I can work with it. I’m not nearly adult enough to make up my own mind or know what it is I should be doing, despite having twenty-three years. While my mother is in the hospital, I am home. I felt helpless. I was on the verge of breaking down again. I craved my own bed, my new room of solitude, and my pet cat. I was of no use in that hospital. I asked my mother what she thought I should do and she asks what I want to do.

What I want to do is run away.  What I ought to do is stay.

I am aware, that my mother is just as scared and feeling just as helpless but here are some facts about my mother.

Fact: She likes sleeping and doesn’t like to be interrupted.

Fact: She doesn’t want her children to see her weak or in a weak state (includes crying).

Fact: My mother wants to protect her children to the extreme and hates when they cry.

Fact: Sometimes my mother can be an idiot and her daughter has inherited the trait.

I know I was cruel in my last post about her not taking care of herself. In a way I was angry at her. It’s not entirely true. She does take care of herself to a certain degree. I want to say a few things about how she has good days and then her bad days. She will start off with a mediocre day. A day that has routine and maybe just lazing about or doing something that is small. That day is followed by a good day. On her good days she will think she can do everything she used to, so after her good day it is followed by a worse day where she can do nothing. Then the next day is just a bad day that could end up being a mediocre day. So starts the cycle.

Today was one of the worst days. When I left her at the hospital, she started to look at me and talk to me like she does on one of her bad days. It just took all day to be just bad and not terrible.

I really thought that I would get home and go straight to bed. I thought after that rollercoaster of ups and downs, I would lay my head down and sleep. Most likely that will still happen. I just couldn’t imagine lying down without typing these feelings out. I can’t say that it is healing. Until my mother is out of the hospital nothing will be healing but at least if I get it out I can sleep and forget. The last thing I need is to sleep and have nightmares. I could really use one of my vivid dreams of flying with a handsome guy, who just happens to be singing to me. I liked that one. 

I will probably post this in the morning when I have internet. But then I will have a second post for what has changed. I’ll be going back to town after I get a few hours’ sleep. Since I can’t seem to do the right thing, I’m going to grab an adult who I trust.

PS. When I get scared, I tend to be angry. Kindness makes me want to cry and I tend to bite when I don’t want to cry. So if I’m short with you when you are trying to give support, I apologize now. I can talk about it on a computer and in my own head but if I talk to a person I break. Of course, when I can’t manage to keep it together you will know. If I’m laughing and tears are falling down my face know that I’m not cracked. That just happens to be my way. At that point, step back and don’t try to hug me. Touch does not soothe me when I’m emotional (even family).

She is in the hospital

A friend actually begged me to start blogging again. It was my way to keep those updated who wanted to read so I guess I owe it to them. It was also my release.  I’ve written very little these last months. I lost the motivation or want. Take your pick. When I read the same friends new blog Monday, I remembered my own urge to write something.

The past few days I have had the beginning of something in my head. Tuesday, it would have been dreary. Wednesday, it would have been a positive spin of what Tuesday would have started. For today, however, it’s neither. I’m writing this as I wait in the emergency room for me to be able to see my mother. I don’t know if it is serious. I don’t know if she is okay. I know she had chest pains, couldn’t breathe, and needed the ambulance to come to town. I, of course, was at work, where I tend to live. 

My mother has been struggling with her health for a while. She has a failing heart along with other ailments that come with being in her late forties. She hardly takes care of herself even though she was a nurse in her former life. I love her but she is constantly overdoing it; working too hard when she should take it a little bit easier. She has been trying to get disability, which she couldn’t get because she wanted to work.

I wish I had more to say but really I don’t know much of what is going on. I’m just waiting right now. I can’t wait with her because then I just feel silly sitting there waiting. I might just post this and then grab my book to sit with her. I'm sure she wouldn't like to know I did that. She really doesn't like anyone seeing her weak, especially her children.

End of Fall Update

10.15.2012

I’ve failed to keep up with this blog. You probably already got that from the absence of links on facebook. I mean I kept up my daily updates in my own journal but nothing that I felt like I wanted to take the time to bring my computer to the local laundry-mat and get post on the internet.

I’ve had some big things that happened. I mean I now have the house in my name. I’m paying mortgages. I have a possible second small part-time job lined up in November to fill in gaps with my first job. I had a birthday. My mom moved out to Minnesota for two months so I have the house to myself again. Lastly I got a sort of promotion at work; I’m now being trained in night audit.

Actually my first night was yesterday. I was nervous all day. I don’t know why I was nervous. I knew that I 

was just going to have a few new responsibilities. At least I knew the base work from working the afternoon and morning shifts. On night audit, there will be less people that I will have to handle, which I will admit I love the idea. I can be a people person. It’s just sometimes a touch and go thing. There are some good things that come with night audit. Maybe the one that is the most important, I'm doing something that I have the most experience in doing. I think I will like it very much except the switch to being a night person might be the hardest thing.

I really hate being at this house at night time. It freaks me out. I’m scared at every noise and I hate that I can’t see out the windows with the lights on in the inside. Yes I’m admitting I’m afraid of darkness but only because I can’t see what could be creeping in it. The wind keeps giving me heart attacks. It keeps blowing so hard that I think people are trying to get in. Not a nice feeling. Freaking wilderness. I really have to get some blinds on the dining room door. That really freaks me out and when I can cover them I can at least pretend. I just don’t have money yet for that. Wahoo! Another positive to working night audit is I won’t be here at night ;)

I don’t really have observations about the world right now. Nothing meaningful. I was hoping I wrote something in the past month in my personal journal but that was a lot of griping and gibberish that was an outlet for me. I won’t talk politics. That is just stupid. Though there is an election coming up. Will I say who I’m voting for? Heck no. I can tell you everything about me but that one tidbit would be too personal. Besides, might make someone angry. I saw a cute picture or meme that I’ve attached here. It is my sentiments exactly for political viewpoints.

I’m going to do the something I’ve never done before. I’m going to review a book I’ve recently read. It isn’t a new release anymore thought it was released this year. Books are a traveler’s best friend. I even think you can tell if a child/young adult will be a traveler by their reading habits. Books are the poor man’s world. Isn’t that a saying already? I think that I’ve heard of that before.

Me and my childhood best friend

If you don’t want to read my thoughts on Kiss the Dead then skip this last paragraph.

I just want to say a few sentences for this particular book because it is by an author that is my absolute favorite, Laurell K. Hamilton, multiple series writer. Usually she doesn’t disappoint. Her books are amazing and thrilling. They are also very stimulating. This last book had something missing though. It wasn’t written as well as her others. It could be because it is hard to get so many books out in such a short span. I think that sucks that she is needed to do that and then her book fell beneath par. There were actual parts where she repeated ideas from earlier in the chapters of the same book. It wasn’t just once. I know that she remarked on the look men give for sex and the idea that women have them as well but the main character couldn’t look in a mirror to verify. There was also the difference between pure-blood were-people and then the pureblood were-people’s eyes. Do I have page specifics? Nope. I mean I understand having repeat explanations from book to book so any reader who is just picking up the book won’t be so lost. Though I really think you have to start at the beginning of any series. I don’t think there should be repeating in the same book. I’m not talking about a reminder from the beginning. No, there was definite repeating. Near word for word from one end to the other. Well that’s the end of my negative things I’m going to say. It still was amazing. I busted out laughing a few times. One is relieved the character isn’t fighting so hard not to be in love with all the gorgeous men but, see, you really have to read more in the series to know how what I’m talking about.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012 The best of Times

  Positive attitude goes far! Keeping oneself busy worked! Just working in housekeeping was a large step and of course I was going to take anything including the “labor” job. I thought the housekeeping work would continue for a good six months before I went on to front desk and needed to get a second job in the meantime but yesterday I was asked if I wanted to be trained. I like to believe that they were impressed with my resume and how I behaved. Making people laugh always makes an impression. I enjoy doing that.
       Being involved with your college afterwards is a kind and generous action. By helping a college student after the college part, you create loyalists. It is also great to get people interested in this great place that I’ve lived my entire life (though I barely know what is going on or where anything is as I learned the hard way). The Upper Peninsula has a lot to offer or it can have great potential. The Marquette area alone is brimming with business and is expanding. The culture and history is packed. The recreation and the small time living is peaceful or action packed if you look in the right place. Man, I love this place. I will always work here and live here (though I plan on visiting and living in the rest of the world as well). I think I’ve digressed again but frankly I don’t care. I’m too happy! 

My photo of the Tahquamanon Falls

Networking pays off (I’m sure everyone already knows it). Keep up with your friends (I’m not supporting to use them but you never know when some knowledge from a friend can help). On the other hand, it is a tight line of sadness that you can’t get a job unless you know someone who knows someone. Well, right now I am not complaining. I’m just nervous and I’m hoping I don’t disappoint. There is that slight pressure if this person thinks you are good enough to give a recommendation that you have to live up to. At least today they were saying something that everyone who worked with me that I was kind and good natured. I’m sort of improvising on the word choice since I can’t remember exactly what they said about me. How does one accept compliments like that? Frankly, I suck at taking compliments.