"I need a Holiday..."

"I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact, I mean not

to." Bilbo Baggins

It happens every time I want a vacation, this quote from Lord of the Rings (movie) runs through my mind. I must have this quote inscribed in stone. It's for any vacation, it's for any break, and it's for any time that I feel frustrated. It's not like everything is going wrong. In fact everything couldn't be going more right. Well, it could be a little bit better but it's not in the toilet so I'm not complaining. I've had my main job for 1 year 4 months at the hotel. My other summer job has finally ended and my deputy clerk job I've been there for a year. My mom finally has some work. I have a beautiful house that isn't falling apart (well it has a few flaws). My family isn't sick (or at least they are managing). I didn't break my neck falling down my stairs, though I have some other random pains from my spine (eventually I will go to a chiropractor). Lastly, I even have an arrangement where I will get to move somewhere for 3 months and still have my 2 jobs comfortably. 

I don't think I was meant to stay in the same spot constantly. When I was younger, I don't remember being this antsy but I think that I have been influenced by something. I have never stayed at a job for more than a year because I was moving to other places. I mean I worked at one library for 3 years during college, but every summer I went home so I don't necessarily count that. This is a novel experience to work like this and not have a set end when I'll be going to another place. This is why I'm so happy that my job is going to give me 3 months somewhere else. I'll be in my Hancock address with my dad and grams, but I'll take what I can get. I had planned to cross the pond in November and I'm sad that it won't happen. I just had way too much happen this year for me to go. I also want to go somewhere new. I've been to Europe and now I want a different experience somewhere else. I just have so many friends who want me to see them in Europe that I even feel bad that I want something else (I know I shouldn't but of course I do).

I can't make up my mind though. On one hand I want to travel, but on the other, I just need to get away from people. I need some days where I don't have to cater to others but myself. I just want to hide in my house with the music blaring, good book, phone off, and a video game (of course not at once). I call it my vegging out but it really has a different purpose. I love my friends and would love to see them but I think that if I don't get some time for myself they wouldn't want to be around me either. I feel angry and every little thing keeps me angry. One day off to veg out isn't enough. I need some consecutive days.

Bilbo Baggins, I am not. I can not take a very long holiday or even to run away. Though that doesn't stop me from  being tempted and craving an end to all the responsibilities. You give me somebody who doesn't want to ever run away at least once in their life and I'll eat raw celery (I hate that stuff). In the meantime, I'm going to settle for a four day weekend. It will just have to be good enough.

Recovery

3.15.13 Update

She is out of the procedure (apparently it wasn’t surgery though that was the impression my mom and everyone was giving me).The nurse gave me an update since I was getting some breakfast/lunch. I’m just waiting for the official thing for when the doctor finds me. Oh yay…waiting! So anyways, she had her heart looked at and they found nothing wrong. Huh? At least by what the nurse said, my mom didn’t need a stint or balloon. My mom said earlier it might have been her potassium being low. At least they were giving her some when I came in this morning and she was looking a lot better. Of course she told me that if she hadn’t gotten the oxygen I most likely would have come home to a body.

This is what happened when I found my way back in this maze of a hospital (as our friend Debbie said she would hate to work here because she would forever get lost with patients). I followed the nurse into recovery. My mom opened her eyes at the nurse. I called her name. She looked at me. I stuck my tongue out at her. She smiled and went back to sleep. She is just recovering now and then she will be moved to the room on the seventh floor in this hospital (I might have to get a guide). She shouldn’t be here for more than today. I’ll just grab those fake flowers that she seems to love, when I pick her up tomorrow.

 I knew when my work gave those flowers away (because really they are tacky and shouldn’t be in a hotel) that she would love a few. Since I would have to look at them I only grabbed her three that were semi-bearable. This just happened Sunday. Somehow this week I knew it was going to be crappy. I mean Tuesday I was already feeling depressed and thinking that Thursday I should take my co-worker on her offer and have her work for me. I figured I was being wimpy.  I find out Thursday morning my dog broke his leg and then my mom needs to be hospitalized. My co-worker ended up working for me. Should have gone with my gut and took the dang day off. At least she wouldn’t have had to rush into work.

I have also come to the conclusion that next St. Patty’s day I’m making no plans. This is the third year that my mother has been sick to the point of death, twice she was actually hospitalized. Next year, I’m not going to celebrate since I take it that is her wish… :)

Last night thoughts

3.14.13 Midnight hour

I don’t know anything. I never claimed that I knew anything. My own mind I can hardly decide what I want. I don’t know what it is I should be doing or what I ought to be doing. I need a list or I need to be told. Then I can do the best and I can work with it. I’m not nearly adult enough to make up my own mind or know what it is I should be doing, despite having twenty-three years. While my mother is in the hospital, I am home. I felt helpless. I was on the verge of breaking down again. I craved my own bed, my new room of solitude, and my pet cat. I was of no use in that hospital. I asked my mother what she thought I should do and she asks what I want to do.

What I want to do is run away.  What I ought to do is stay.

I am aware, that my mother is just as scared and feeling just as helpless but here are some facts about my mother.

Fact: She likes sleeping and doesn’t like to be interrupted.

Fact: She doesn’t want her children to see her weak or in a weak state (includes crying).

Fact: My mother wants to protect her children to the extreme and hates when they cry.

Fact: Sometimes my mother can be an idiot and her daughter has inherited the trait.

I know I was cruel in my last post about her not taking care of herself. In a way I was angry at her. It’s not entirely true. She does take care of herself to a certain degree. I want to say a few things about how she has good days and then her bad days. She will start off with a mediocre day. A day that has routine and maybe just lazing about or doing something that is small. That day is followed by a good day. On her good days she will think she can do everything she used to, so after her good day it is followed by a worse day where she can do nothing. Then the next day is just a bad day that could end up being a mediocre day. So starts the cycle.

Today was one of the worst days. When I left her at the hospital, she started to look at me and talk to me like she does on one of her bad days. It just took all day to be just bad and not terrible.

I really thought that I would get home and go straight to bed. I thought after that rollercoaster of ups and downs, I would lay my head down and sleep. Most likely that will still happen. I just couldn’t imagine lying down without typing these feelings out. I can’t say that it is healing. Until my mother is out of the hospital nothing will be healing but at least if I get it out I can sleep and forget. The last thing I need is to sleep and have nightmares. I could really use one of my vivid dreams of flying with a handsome guy, who just happens to be singing to me. I liked that one. 

I will probably post this in the morning when I have internet. But then I will have a second post for what has changed. I’ll be going back to town after I get a few hours’ sleep. Since I can’t seem to do the right thing, I’m going to grab an adult who I trust.

PS. When I get scared, I tend to be angry. Kindness makes me want to cry and I tend to bite when I don’t want to cry. So if I’m short with you when you are trying to give support, I apologize now. I can talk about it on a computer and in my own head but if I talk to a person I break. Of course, when I can’t manage to keep it together you will know. If I’m laughing and tears are falling down my face know that I’m not cracked. That just happens to be my way. At that point, step back and don’t try to hug me. Touch does not soothe me when I’m emotional (even family).

She is in the hospital

A friend actually begged me to start blogging again. It was my way to keep those updated who wanted to read so I guess I owe it to them. It was also my release.  I’ve written very little these last months. I lost the motivation or want. Take your pick. When I read the same friends new blog Monday, I remembered my own urge to write something.

The past few days I have had the beginning of something in my head. Tuesday, it would have been dreary. Wednesday, it would have been a positive spin of what Tuesday would have started. For today, however, it’s neither. I’m writing this as I wait in the emergency room for me to be able to see my mother. I don’t know if it is serious. I don’t know if she is okay. I know she had chest pains, couldn’t breathe, and needed the ambulance to come to town. I, of course, was at work, where I tend to live. 

My mother has been struggling with her health for a while. She has a failing heart along with other ailments that come with being in her late forties. She hardly takes care of herself even though she was a nurse in her former life. I love her but she is constantly overdoing it; working too hard when she should take it a little bit easier. She has been trying to get disability, which she couldn’t get because she wanted to work.

I wish I had more to say but really I don’t know much of what is going on. I’m just waiting right now. I can’t wait with her because then I just feel silly sitting there waiting. I might just post this and then grab my book to sit with her. I'm sure she wouldn't like to know I did that. She really doesn't like anyone seeing her weak, especially her children.